“Let me tell you something about Tom Riddle. We were teacher and student in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first enemy Grindelwald, who was totally gorgeous. But then I had to defeat him, and Tom was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to duel with Grindelwald, he’d be like “Why didn’t you fight me back?”. And I’d be like “Why are you so obsessed with me?”. So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-Muggle sympathisers pool party, I was like “Tom, I can’t invite you because I think you’re Lord Voldemort “. I mean, I couldn’t have a Dark Lord at my party. There were gonna be people there in their muggle clothes. I mean, right? He was the Dark Lord. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of society because no one would talk to his disembodied soul, and he came back in the fall for the second Wizarding War, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s got Horcruxes.”